Hear Hear!

I'm quoting another mother here because of how eloquently she has put into words what I wish I could. A reminder of how we should all think about children and our role as parents....

Raising Human Beings and Life Lessons from the Duggars

Yesterday I read that Michelle Duggar from 19 Kids and Counting had a miscarriage.  Even though this is someone that I don't know, I was heartbroken for her.  And then I was MAD.  Underneath every news article about her miscarriage (which I'm sure would be difficult to talk to the media about) were hundreds, sometimes thousands of comments of people being so ugly and hurtful and condemning.  They said things like, "God killed your baby because he doesn't want you to have any more children." and "What did you expect?" and "Anyone who wants to have too many kids deserves to have this happen to them." 

People.  Who are we?  I don't care what in the world you think about this family.  I don't care if you are a zero population growth proponent or the spawn of Satan himself- when did we get to the point where we feel like we get to tell a mother that her child deserves to die and secretly rejoice a little bit when someone goes through a tragedy.  Like the loss of that child's life is the ultimate "I told you so." When did we become so entrenched with our own negativity that we forget that an actual life was lost and that an actual mother is grieving?

I have never had a miscarriage.  I've been fortunate and blessed to have had two pregnancies that resulted in two live births.  But I've had friends who have had miscarriages and it is awful.  I do not pretend to have any inkling of what it feels like to miscarry just because people close to me have walked through it any more than having a black son makes me know what it feels like to be black.  But, I think that it is a pain that would be indescribable.  My friends have all said that it is a mix of sadness and guilt and shame and confusion and loss and hurt so deep that you wonder if you will ever feel normal again.  I would think that no matter if it was your first baby or your 20th baby that loss is loss.  Who are we to diminish someone's pain?  Who are we to say that that baby didn't matter to it's mother and it's God just because there are 19 other children in the family?  Have we gone so far down the rabbit hole that we think one human life is just easily replaced with another one?  Have we forgotten that we are told that each one is precious and created for a purpose?

I think that so much of this backlash stems from how we view children.  I'm very guilty of it myself.  I've often said that I will never be that mother who finds joy in changing diapers or doing laundry even though it is part of the package deal.  I do however, find such complete and utter joy in my children- even though they drive me nuts sometimes. :-)  I think I'm normal, but I also think that our society has shifted the way that we think about children.  They are no longer viewed as blessings.  They are seen as something we "do" for 18 years.  We have lost out on the magic of what it means to care for someone. 

We are so tied to our technology and our careers and our pettiness that we forget that there are actual children wanting us to delight in them.  Not to get too religious here, but I'd like to think that if we are going to call ourselves Godly parents, that we would remember that God revels in our very existence and delights in the uniqueness that we each bring and the utter JOY that gives him.  There are times when I look at my children with that kind of love and amazement and times that I can't muster that for all the gold in Fort Knox.  But it doesn't mean that I shouldn't STRIVE for that.  I should make it my goal as a mother to make them feel that they are delighted in.  I saw this the other day on pinterest and it hit me like a ton of bricks.

How true is this and the way we so often ultimately view our job as mothers raising the next generation?  I think that's why people like Michelle Duggar get crucified.  We just can't comprehend that someone can find so much delight in each little blessing.  We believe that it is out of the realm of possibility that someone could possibly like raising 19 children. I hear her called naive.  I hear her called an idiot.  And I wonder if those throwing insults are secretly just a little bit jealous of the pure joy that she finds in raising children.    Seeing someone doing it well makes us feel bad about the way that we are doing it and instead of rejoicing that someone has found their bliss, we work extra hard to tear them down.  When they announced that they were pregnant with their 20th child, people said that they were irresponsible, unfair to their other children and why couldn't they just be happy with what they had.  It is just inconceivable to most people that each one of their children is a BLESSING when we are bombarded with the message every single day that children are a burden and that caring for more than the average 2 children detracts from our enjoyment of life.  People- our children ARE our enjoyment in life.  

I'm just as guilty as the next person at sometimes looking at my children and thinking that I need a break or that I need to do "something more" with my life.  We've been tricked into thinking that being a mother is not enough.  We've been told so many times that money, success and happiness can't happen with too many children in tow.  But what if we took a step back and remembered that our source of joy comes in our community and relationships with other people?  What if we remembered that the world's definition of success is not the same as God's definition?  What if we remembered that the lives of the children we are entrusted with matter more than all the other "stuff"?  What would that look like?   Would that look like the pure joy that Michelle Duggar has for raising children?  What if that wasn't so radical?  What if delighting in each creation was the norm, instead of the exception?

My hope for myself today (and each day) is that I will live as though I am raising human beings, not managing inconveniences.

The blog is here...
http://www.millionsofmiles.com/2011/12/raising-human-beings-and-life-lessons.html

One month home...

Some reflections of our first month at home...

  

So what have we been up to in the last month? Besides getting back to work, back to daily life with the boys, doing our first postplacement visit and four doctor visits, well we're getting to know our beautiful Ava. And we have received some good news! We met with the cardiologist on Thursday and Ava's heart condition is less serious than China thought it was. While they thought it was a complete Endocardial Cushions Defect (ECD) which would mean she had two holes in her heart and one valve instead of two, she actually has a partial ECD which means she has one hole in her heart at the top (ASD) and the regular two valves (but both will need some work done). Overall, great news! It means only the one open heart surgery for her whole life and no physical limitations! The doctor said that she is doing great despite the condition and doesn't recommend surgery until the spring to get through flu season and pneumonia season. When the time comes she will spend one week at Boston Children's Hospital and will be fully recovered 6 weeks after.

Ava's adjustment...She is cuddly but also very independent. She likes to swoop in for a quick arm around your neck, or a kiss on the cheek and then she is off. If she is tired she will cuddle and fall asleep next to you on the couch. She does not like to be held against her will though and will protest loudly enough that we all give in pretty quickly. She is LOUD ;-)  She has bonded with the boys and did so within hours of meeting them. It was like she knew them already through the pictures we sent and that she knew we were all a "package deal". Deep down I think she knew this was home, that these people were family, and she was ready for it. I personally thought that due to this level of understanding adopting at this toddler age was great. Many people want to adopt younger babies to avoid possible attachment issues but this has been perfect for us.

Although she loves him and will give him affection she clearly gets annoyed with Aidan. He is 5 and wants to be with her all of the time so she gives him clear direction to leave her alone. It's good though because it is normal sibling stuff. She probably prefers the oldest boys but that is because they are in less competition for the same toys, etc. They are also hands off which she likes rather than someone always going to her to pick her up. She definitely wants contact to be on her own terms and she bonds quicker with people who respect that space. She will only come to us or the boys to ask to be picked up. She will not go to strangers and is very wary of them. It is hard to get her to even crack a smile in public or with visitors here at home. As soon as they leave or she gets in the van to come home though she is all smiles. In fact in some circumstances when she is out visiting she will get in the van and squeal, laugh and jump up and down in her seat. She is so excited after being so quiet and withdrawn in public. I wondered if this behavior is part of her learning that she will always come home with us. Perhaps she is insecure wondering if we will be leaving her there? She is learning to trust us. It makes sense that only time will prove that she will always ride home with us.

She is sleeping through the night soundly and last night at 6:30 she gave me the sign for sleep and said "night, night". I nearly fell over because the boys have never, I repeat, never, asked me to go to bed. I put her down and she giggled, put her finger in her mouth and off to sleep she went. She slept for 11 hours. Heaven! Sometimes she still cries and gives us a hard time when we put her down but I find it is when she is overtired. She does not like to sleep with us. I was perfectly ready to do that but I think toddlers have done things a certain way for so long that it is unnatural to change things now. I suppose if she had been in a foster home she would have been used to sleeping with someone. She likes to be in her crib- which originally was a toddler bed but we put the side up because we realized that she was still in a crib when we had her at the hotel. She was obviously comfortable in the crib. When I held her in the bed she was squirmy and couldn't get comfortable. 

She can't speak very well because of the cleft palate (although she "talks" incessantly) but we are learning signs with her and she is learning sleep, eat, more, all done, potty, please, thank you. It will be some time before her cleft palate surgery so these signs will be key to helping her communicate with us. She was supposed to be potty trained but in China they have the split pants and go on the pot put out on the floor whenever they want. Our toilets are a little bit intimidating for them, and she now has full pants on with a pull up so we are re-training her. 90% of the time she will go when we put her on and we can catch her before a poop (sometimes when we notice her being unnaturally quiet). But she hasn't quite caught on to tell us with the sign that she has to go so she still has accidents and the pull ups stay on. I imagine she won't be fully potty trained for another couple of months or so. Of course, then we'll have surgery issues so she may regress and it could be a year before we are out of the pull ups. No big deal.

Ava has a fantastic sense of humor and makes us laugh a lot! She goofs around, with funny faces or tickles us, or fake punches at us (daddy taught her that). When she winks back at me her whole faces scrunches up and both eyes close. So cute! She loves to get dressed to go outside. If anyone is leaving she will get her boots on and then get upset if they leave without her. Last weekend she spent a couple of hours in the garage with daddy working on his motorcycle. It was so cute to see her sitting on a stool next to him babbling away and handing him tools. Although the grease on her jacket I could have done without...

She also loves baths. I don't know what these orphanages do to train these kids but she is great at cleaning herself. If I give her a washcloth and some soap she will wash every square inch of herself. The same if I give her a dishrag for her little table. She cleans the whole thing, chairs and all. She may be a little OCD...for instance if she gets some food on her hand she whines at us until we get her a napkin to wipe it off. She's better if you give her the napkin from the beginning, she will keep her face and hands clean. Amazing! These orphanages have these kids trained. Well at least hers did. I'm sure it is different at each orphanage depending on the amount of kids they have.

Ok, so what's an update without pictures right?! Well of course I wouldn't leave you hanging...

First Meeting with Great Grammy who makes it so easy to cuddle with!

Celebrating Meme's B-Day!

Silly girl, all dressed up, no place to go!

Loves with Grammy

Fell asleep watching TV with Asa.

Fell asleep watching TV with Aidan.

First snow for Ava!

Grandma Pat has brought a rockin' cool toy that sings "I feel good". Will she like it?

It's a hit!

Woo Hoo! Thanks Grandma Pat!

Thanksgiving Day and so much to be grateful for!

All bundled up in her new clothes and actually getting to go outside! Meme is taking her for a sled ride!

Look at how quickly her hair is growing! She needs a bangs trim already!

Sporting a braid- yes I did that!

Let's go already! Enough with that camera!

Again, early in the a.m., everyone has left except for her and daddy and she is ready to go too!

Catching up - last days in China and once home...

I didn't want to leave out our last days in China just because I was too busy to post. It's a long post but it here it goes... I don't want to forget a day of it!
First, was our trip to the medicine market. All of these things are eaten, taken as medicines or used in soups.

Dried seahorses

Deer tendons

Dried frogs. 

Mushrooms

Scorpions

Snakes

Turtles

Bigger scorpions.

Bigger mushrooms

Ava liked the chickens.

Pearl shopping!

Ava had to try some on.

Cutest little furball pups. Not for eating! No this is the pet market!

It's official! Ava's going home. The US Consulate appointment, swearing in, and now we wait for her visa!

Such a ham!

Tea time! Our guide, Helen, brought us to a traditional tea shop and we tried all kinds of different teas.

The tea shop goods.

Time to buy our favorite teas!

Tea table made out of oak, it has a drain in it and they just pour the remaining tea on the table. They like the way it colors the wood.

Miss Independent walking by herself and swinging her arms so that she doesn't have to hold our hands!

Beautiful garden and waterfall inside the White Swan Hotel, a popular hotel for adoptive parents. They were closed for renovations while we were there but the first two floors were open to the public, including the red couch. The red couch became a tradition for adoptive parents to get photos of their babies on before they left for home.

Our Red Couch Photo.

And, because she started to fool around, and I just can't get enough of her infectious smile, I'm going to add a few more....

I was born in the Year of the Rabbit (which by the way, this is also the Year of the Rabbit) and Ava's Chinese name is Winter Moon. When we arrived in China we learned that there is a very popular fable about a woman who lived on the moon and had a rabbit to keep her company. The moon and rabbit are linked in many Chinese tales, as well as Aztec, Mexican and Native American stories. They say that the rabbit can be seen on the surface of the moon. Apparently, even NASA told Buzz Aldrich to keep an eye out for the lady and her rabbit! As someone who loves these "signs" I couldn't pass up getting a picture taken with this sign.

While on Shamian Island many adoptive parents like to get their kids to line up between the last little boy and girl statue for a cute pic.

This was as close as I could get. After many days of trying... she just didn't trust those little people who didn't move.

We couldn't even trick her into it by putting my ring on the boys head.  She  was perfectly willing to leave my ring there rather than step any closer.

Good morning Sunshine. Last day in Guangzhou, time to go  home.

Three days later, there are a horde of boys begging for her attention.

She circled them, staying just far enough away to not be touched. 

I introduced each of the boys and she continued to stare them down and circle. It was time to bring in the food.

Banana in hand, she continues the stare down.

Despite her cool demeanor the boys are enthralled and amazingly patient.

Striking a cool pose while her brothers continue to wait for her to warm up.

Daddy suggested they each get 15 minutes to play with her with no interruptions and it worked like a charm.

Ah yes, nothing breaks the ice like toys and play!

Brothers also taught her how to draw, which keeps her busy! Although she is not sure which hand she wants to use. She seems to use them both interchangeably. 

Big brothers are fun!

After 2 hours it was hugs and kisses all around!

Before he went to bed Asa gave me a hug and said "Thanks Mom" and I said "For what?" and he replied "For bringing Ava home. I am so happy!"

Adam was overwhelmed with emotion at one point, shook his head and said  "I've never felt this way before." 

Um, yeah, she may end up being a little spoiled.....

Aaron, Ava and I continue to fight jet lag. We've been really tired all day, yet not sleeping very well at night. Ava has started to cry really hard when I lay her down in her crib, yet she won't sleep with me either. She won't lay down at all, ever, without a struggle. It's like she doesn't like to go to bed, terrified of it actually, yet when she finally does she sleeps like a rock. I have to wake her up every time because her naps turn into 5 hour naps and I swear she would sleep until noon every day if I let her. When she cries, it is very loud, and frantic sounding. It sounds terrible. Last night she cried so hard she threw up. I know it is not abnormal for these little ones, it is going to get better (it has to), it's just hard to deal with while being so tired myself. It's a good thing her smile and general good nature makes up so well for it during the day!