I'm still here...

Many times I've followed blogs that suddenly stop with posts like "We are on our way to China!" or "Tomorrow is gotcha day!" and boom. Nothing. No more posts. I hang on, checking every day, wondering how their travel went, what their child's reaction was upon meeting their new family, how was the adjustment? And nothing comes. Eventually you stop checking, but always wondering if everything was going ok. Hoping it was.

I've become one of those moms. And I can speak from experience. One of those reasons, at least in my case, for just stopping is that it just became too H.A.R.D. Hard. My friends, both online and in real life, keep checking in wondering if everything is ok. And it is. I'm just working really, really hard to make it all work. I have had to dig really deep, going into myself to find the energy for all of the new emotions as well as just plain old daily life of going to work and trying to make life good at home for my husband and children, while not losing myself in the process. It isn't easy. And frankly this isn't stuff I've felt good enough about writing about on my blog. Thank you friends for checking on me and pulling me out of myself. Reminding me I'm not alone.

Amara is precious and beautiful, and we love her dearly and in line with her tenacious and mischevious personality she literally never stops. She is like a little energizer bunny. And so I never stop. Never. So since becoming a mom of six, one of which is the aforementioned bunny, I'm mourning the free time I once had (albeit limited). I'm mourning the clean house I used to achieve (albeit short-lived). And I'm mourning kids going to bed without two hours of convincing (one hour was plenty). Basically I'm mourning the semi-control I've since lost completely. My sweet Amara is mourning so much more- her "family" in China, her predictable schedule and the only home she ever knew. And yet at the same time, despite the turmoil, we undoubtedly are growing closer; finding joy in one another; calmly rejoicing in the amazing process of getting to know and love each other as family. Gradually we are coming to the knowledge that all of this mourning and trying to cling to control is temporary for both of us and we will come through the other side richer. We just need patience. We are simply still waiting for the dust to settle.

And so with that I also know I need to start blogging again. It helps me to be present in the joyous times. The times that far outweigh the rough ones. To remember what I should be grateful for. And to document my view of our life together for my kids. We haven't chosen the easy path, but it is an honest and rewarding one. And so I will, beginning with the remainder of our trip in China with my wonderful eldest son Adrian (whom I'm so appreciative to for sharing this experience with me-and supporting me in China- thank you Adrian with all my heart and soul- you are truly special) and my beautiful new daughter, Amara.

Great Wall- July 30, 2013