Warning... Whining Ahead....

I haven't posted in a couple of months.
I don't blog or talk when times are tough. I shut down and go inside myself. If you ask, I'll probably tell you but I'm not entirely comfortable being open about my struggles. I'm especially sensitive to the "you brought this on yourself" thoughts- I am my own worst critic. But I've come to think that it is important to be honest about the hard times in this process as well as the good. Especially because there are so many adoptive bloggers out there that do and I know I'm not alone. We've been lucky that our transition with Ava has been pretty darn easy, then on August 3rd she had her palate surgery. This was ten times harder on all of us than the heart surgery. First, I think it was more painful for her. Second, she self soothed by sucking her finger and that had to end. And lastly an attack of eczema (either from the stress, an allergic reaction of some sort, or perhaps it took the place of her sucking her finger?) had her itching all night instead of sleeping. This has made for a sleepless couple of months.

I was sad to see her stop sucking her finger. It ended that night at the hospital and she won't do it anymore no matter how hard I convince her that it is ok now that her mouth has healed. Her last piece of babyhood was ripped away. So now when she goes to bed she tosses and turns, flips, kicks her legs and itches. She used to pop her finger in her mouth and within five minutes she was out.

In order to take care of the eczema we slather her with Eucerin and Hydrocortisone and limit the amount of baths she has. Baths are luke warm too, no more hot baths. They dry the skin. She takes an allergy medication at night before bed. Things are starting to improve on that end and she is no longer itching throughout the night.

But I'm feeling claustrophobic!

We go to bed at 6:30 pm and she finally falls asleep in my bed around 7:30pm. We move her to her crib, which is right next to our bed, about 9 pm and then she comes back to our bed about 4 a.m. She kicks and tosses until she finally drives us crazy and up and out of bed around 5:30 a.m.

I'm a light sleeper so I feel and hear everything. I miss sleeping! And I miss having my own room! And I have a crick in my neck from sleeping in awkward positions around her! (yeah, I know, "whine, whine, wahh, wahh" - but I did warn you earlier that this wasn't going to be pretty...).

Until she is able to truly communicate and understand that she has her own room and she has to stay in it, I don't see anything changing soon. This has undoubtedly been the toughest thing for me. My boys were always independent and after a few months of being nearby they moved to their own room and we never had co-sleeping.  I know she needs us and so I'm digging deep for the perseverance and patience. And my constant mantra is "nothing worth doing is easy."

So there is my whine session, the bad and the ugly. Next post will be about the good because the kids started school in the midst of all this and I've got some super cute pics!