Three months home...an update

Ava has been home for 3 months!
I have always heard stories of these little ones coming home and adjusting quickly and parents amazed at their progress. I don't know how many times I've read on blogs that they can't believe how easily these kids understand what is going on around them and seem to accept being a part of the family so quickly. It is the miracle of adoption. Not to say that everything is easy and there aren't some ups and downs - attachment is a process, but we consider ourselves so lucky. Ava is so easy going;  an old soul, with such a strong and calm character and I have thoroughly treasured these past months and getting to know her. This month was all about learning and opening up.
So what is she up to? 
Talking- She knows and says some words, like potty, eat, owie, uh oh, ride, meme, grammy, mommy, daddy, Adam, drink, please, I love you, thank you and lots more. Someone on the outside probably couldn't understand many of these words because of her cleft palate, but it's like when a one year old starts talking and mommy and daddy always know what they are saying. She understands everything we tell her and most of the time even accepts the word "no" ;-)
Learning- She has preschool screening on Monday! She won't start until the fall but I can't wait to see how she does with other kids her age! She repeats ABCs back to us, is learning how to do puzzles, and loves to read books. She likes to "read" along , quite loudly actually, so a gentle reminder to shhhh and she will quiet down and listen. But it is her job to turn the pages, don't forget that! We took the pullups away (yes we had essentially trained her to go in them by always having them on, oops) during the day and she was potty trained within two days.  Sometimes she still wakes up wet but for the most part she's dry. Oh, and she knows "wet" too because she will tell us if she is. 
Loving- She loves cuddling, giving kisses and saying "I love you" - on her terms that is, don't push her to do it because that just backfires! She is the sweetest little girl in the world, but with an independent streak! If her brothers ask for a hug and kiss she will usually look at me like- do I have to mom? I nod my head and she does it. Unfortunately, they usually aren't happy with just one so they push it and she gets annoyed. They have a thing or two to learn about women still ;-) She does get jealous when I cuddle with Aidan and she will purposely sit between us or demand a space on my lap if he is there. She loves family hugs and will come running not to be left out.
Beautifying- She loves to brush her teeth and will do so 20 times a day if you let her. Obviously we don't but she tries! She demands that I do the same to her that I do to myself. Lipstick, blush, hair, nails- she wants it all! I love that she is a girly girl.
Helping- She watches everything and tries to do everything we do. This makes for a very big helper! The other day I took the garbage out and when I came back she had opened the cupboard, pulled out a new garbage bag and was holding it out to me when I came back through. She's a genius I tell ya!
Singing- She loves to sing along in the van with me and the other kids and has become an important voice in our little choir.
Leaving- She can get herself totally dressed to go outside, snowpants, hat, mittens, jacket and boots. She still loves to go outside or go for rides. She now understands when she can't go because only half of the tribe is actually leaving. She no longer cries but will take off her boots and grudgingly walk back in from the mudroom. She has become comfortable with people where ever she goes. According to Daddy she likes to interact and "chat" with people at stores. She stays home with Daddy some days and Meme on the others so she hasn't had to be left with anyone else. This has helped make her more secure I think and why she can open up to others so easily compared to when we first brought her home.
Out and About- She is walking outside! At first she wouldn't let us put her down- she couldn't walk on the ground. She didn't know what it was, I guess. And now she trudges through snow, which initially terrified her, just like bubbles in the bathtub did. Now she is an old pro at it. I can't wait to show her this place in the spring and summer. I look forward to showing her blooming flowers and bringing her to the beach...{sigh}
Having Fun-Her biggest brother Adrian bought a four wheeler so she is enjoying getting rides around the house on that. She enjoys sledding down hills with Daddy too. I say she enjoys, only because she doesn't protest. She is not one of those kids that shows a great deal of excitement for these fun things, but stays calm with an unreadable face, soaking in the entire experience. Reminds me of Adrian when he was little. Her favorite cartoon is Backyardigans. It's the singing and dancing, she can't get enough of it! We have to get her into some dance classes because she's obviously a natural!
Sleeping- She now goes to sleep on her own! This was the hardest adjustment for us because she fought us so hard at bedtime and we would lay next to her crib, sometimes for an hour before she would go to sleep. She would always catch us if we tried to sneak out before she was sleeping soundly and would start frantically crying. Nothing is more frustrating then wanting to spend an hour relaxing, reading a book or watching TV at 7 pm, and being stuck in a bed pretending to sleep. And the kid won't do it! I know a mother is supposed to sacrifice, but I honestly had a really difficult time with this one. I finally convinced Aaron to move her crib into our room which mean we had to climb over each other or the end of the bed to get in or out, but what a difference. She finally slept through the night. But we still had to lay with her. Then we started to put her in our bed, read to her, tuck her in (this always brings on the satisfied giggles), turn off the light, and walk out. She yells "night night" and that's that. Thank God! Time to myself, what a wonderful gift this is!

We are leaving for Boston this Thursday the 9th for her open heart surgery scheduled for Monday, February 13th. She has a Partial Endocardial Cushions Defect that needs repair. This surgery will close a hole in her heart and widen two arteries. She hasn't had so much as a cold and no symptoms of the heart bothering her, which makes it difficult to put her through this. But we know it is for the best and has to be done sometime or else she will eventually experience difficulties. We hope to be back by the 21st.  Please keep her in your thoughts and prayers.

Skiing with Asa and running with the bulls

So yesterday was Asa's turn on the big mountain. I learned my lesson from last week and signed him up for a two hour instruction. We did a couple of practice runs on the magic mountain and he seemed to do pretty well so I left him with the instructors and went up for a couple of runs alone. Alone. I know, weird. I have to say it again. Alone. Now I use to be one who loved spending time alone. But I'm not going to lie. I felt a little panicky at first. I rode the lift alone. And I was forced to think about it. Why was it so uncomfortable to be by myself? I realized that was something I was going to have to work on- spending more time alone. Not easy with 5 kids, but by gosh, something I have to do.
So after making a wrong turn on some Snake something-or-other Trail, I found myself on the intermediate trail. Now I'm not a great skier- I'm not going to win any medals or anything. But I can stay standing, and I can turn, and I can even swish to a stop. Not so, my friends, on the intermediate trail. I knew I had gone the wrong way when I could no longer see bottom, only a drop off. But what were my choices? Go back up? 200 feet back to the other trail... uphill... I think not. Nope the only way was down. So I made my way painfully slowly down from one side to the other side, but it was icy and my skis kept sliding sideways. So I fell. I got up, and I silently cursed the other skiiers flying down past me swishing from side to side and I debated whether I should yell for one of them to send a snowmobile after me. Too proud for that, I made sideways baby steps in the deeper snow on the side for about 100 feet until I gained enough confidence to give it a go again. Note to self- green trails are good, blue is bad, black is obviously not ever happening. Ah well, so I was content on my green trails spending time with myself while feeling pretty darn good about cheating death or at least a broken arm. 
Then it was time to get Asa and I told him about my predicament and he begged to go on the lift just as Aidan had the week before. It wasn't going to be a story to tell his brothers unless we did. So we are riding on the lift and I pretended that all the trails were like the one I had taken. I tried to scare him (because yes, I do want to instill some fear in these boys.. fear is healthy). He shrugged it off and said um, yeah mom, there are three year olds skiing down right there. I replied, those are the three year olds that made it. Half don't. But why would anyone do it if it was that dangerous? he asked. It's like running with the bulls, I replied. Doing something death defying. Everyone has to do it so that if they make it they are able to appreciate regular, everyday life all the more. Hmmm, he seemed to think about this, replied that he would prefer to run with the deer and that yes, he was going to ski down that mountain even if it were scary. What does it take these days to scare a 9 year old boy? Geez, kids are so desensitized these days (to quote the Grinch)... Well, ski it he did and he now had a story for his brothers. And me, well, I felt like I had truly ran with the bulls for a minute there and I was in bed by 8 pm sleeping soundly with a belly full of ibuprofen for my sore muscles. Next week is Adam's turn! Talk about having to instill a sense of fear...

This girl can bust a move!

A father's love...

I just stumbled across this video and wanted to post it in honor of the best daddy in the world home taking care of Ava right now!

Our Daddy Aaron!

Skiing with Aidan

Yesterday Aidan and I went skiing at Smuggs. The sun was shining and there wasn't a bit of wind. It was his first time, and my first time teaching a little one. Boy is that hard! I tried to be patient and supportive, really I did, but I admit it wasn't easy. Afterwards when I told him I should have paid for lessons, he reassured me that I was a great teacher, even better than Kelsey. Which is saying a lot considering Kelsey was his first preschool teacher whom he adored. My favorite moments were when he told me what he really wanted to do was ride the lift to the top of the mountain after only two times of falling all the way down the mini mountain. Ummm, little dude, you have to actually ski down after you get to the top. It was his mission at that point to not fall on the mini mountain so that he could ride the lift. Could I resist? Nope, we rode the lift once towards the end of the day and he skiied on his butt most of the way down. But what a smile he had! The other favorite moment was after 5 hours of being tied into our torture devices called ski boots we took them off and rolled around the floor of the locker room, giggling at each other, saying "life is sooo good" and stretching out our cramped toes. Next week is Asa's turn!

Mama's Li'l Helper

A glimpse into Ava's life before us...

Once again Lvliang Orphanage has hit the ball out of the park. It is obvious they cared for Ava as much as they could when there are hundreds going through their care at any given time. I just picked up the pictures I had developed from the disposable camera I sent with Ava's care package back in the early summer. Pictures of Ava with her friends, with her nannies, playing outside, eating her cake. A couple of her smiling, most not. Most of them show her with a blank expression, surrounded by children with the same blank expression. Had I received these before I met her I would be so thrilled to have a peek at her but now I look at them with a little sadness and I ask "who is this child?" I can't even put into words how much she has grown, both in body, personality and happiness. These pictures really hit me after having the past two months to get to know her and I once again I am counting my blessings that we get to be a part of her life journey.

2 months home!

Sweet...

and

Sassy!

 

Hear Hear!

I'm quoting another mother here because of how eloquently she has put into words what I wish I could. A reminder of how we should all think about children and our role as parents....

Raising Human Beings and Life Lessons from the Duggars

Yesterday I read that Michelle Duggar from 19 Kids and Counting had a miscarriage.  Even though this is someone that I don't know, I was heartbroken for her.  And then I was MAD.  Underneath every news article about her miscarriage (which I'm sure would be difficult to talk to the media about) were hundreds, sometimes thousands of comments of people being so ugly and hurtful and condemning.  They said things like, "God killed your baby because he doesn't want you to have any more children." and "What did you expect?" and "Anyone who wants to have too many kids deserves to have this happen to them." 

People.  Who are we?  I don't care what in the world you think about this family.  I don't care if you are a zero population growth proponent or the spawn of Satan himself- when did we get to the point where we feel like we get to tell a mother that her child deserves to die and secretly rejoice a little bit when someone goes through a tragedy.  Like the loss of that child's life is the ultimate "I told you so." When did we become so entrenched with our own negativity that we forget that an actual life was lost and that an actual mother is grieving?

I have never had a miscarriage.  I've been fortunate and blessed to have had two pregnancies that resulted in two live births.  But I've had friends who have had miscarriages and it is awful.  I do not pretend to have any inkling of what it feels like to miscarry just because people close to me have walked through it any more than having a black son makes me know what it feels like to be black.  But, I think that it is a pain that would be indescribable.  My friends have all said that it is a mix of sadness and guilt and shame and confusion and loss and hurt so deep that you wonder if you will ever feel normal again.  I would think that no matter if it was your first baby or your 20th baby that loss is loss.  Who are we to diminish someone's pain?  Who are we to say that that baby didn't matter to it's mother and it's God just because there are 19 other children in the family?  Have we gone so far down the rabbit hole that we think one human life is just easily replaced with another one?  Have we forgotten that we are told that each one is precious and created for a purpose?

I think that so much of this backlash stems from how we view children.  I'm very guilty of it myself.  I've often said that I will never be that mother who finds joy in changing diapers or doing laundry even though it is part of the package deal.  I do however, find such complete and utter joy in my children- even though they drive me nuts sometimes. :-)  I think I'm normal, but I also think that our society has shifted the way that we think about children.  They are no longer viewed as blessings.  They are seen as something we "do" for 18 years.  We have lost out on the magic of what it means to care for someone. 

We are so tied to our technology and our careers and our pettiness that we forget that there are actual children wanting us to delight in them.  Not to get too religious here, but I'd like to think that if we are going to call ourselves Godly parents, that we would remember that God revels in our very existence and delights in the uniqueness that we each bring and the utter JOY that gives him.  There are times when I look at my children with that kind of love and amazement and times that I can't muster that for all the gold in Fort Knox.  But it doesn't mean that I shouldn't STRIVE for that.  I should make it my goal as a mother to make them feel that they are delighted in.  I saw this the other day on pinterest and it hit me like a ton of bricks.

How true is this and the way we so often ultimately view our job as mothers raising the next generation?  I think that's why people like Michelle Duggar get crucified.  We just can't comprehend that someone can find so much delight in each little blessing.  We believe that it is out of the realm of possibility that someone could possibly like raising 19 children. I hear her called naive.  I hear her called an idiot.  And I wonder if those throwing insults are secretly just a little bit jealous of the pure joy that she finds in raising children.    Seeing someone doing it well makes us feel bad about the way that we are doing it and instead of rejoicing that someone has found their bliss, we work extra hard to tear them down.  When they announced that they were pregnant with their 20th child, people said that they were irresponsible, unfair to their other children and why couldn't they just be happy with what they had.  It is just inconceivable to most people that each one of their children is a BLESSING when we are bombarded with the message every single day that children are a burden and that caring for more than the average 2 children detracts from our enjoyment of life.  People- our children ARE our enjoyment in life.  

I'm just as guilty as the next person at sometimes looking at my children and thinking that I need a break or that I need to do "something more" with my life.  We've been tricked into thinking that being a mother is not enough.  We've been told so many times that money, success and happiness can't happen with too many children in tow.  But what if we took a step back and remembered that our source of joy comes in our community and relationships with other people?  What if we remembered that the world's definition of success is not the same as God's definition?  What if we remembered that the lives of the children we are entrusted with matter more than all the other "stuff"?  What would that look like?   Would that look like the pure joy that Michelle Duggar has for raising children?  What if that wasn't so radical?  What if delighting in each creation was the norm, instead of the exception?

My hope for myself today (and each day) is that I will live as though I am raising human beings, not managing inconveniences.

The blog is here...
http://www.millionsofmiles.com/2011/12/raising-human-beings-and-life-lessons.html

One month home...

Some reflections of our first month at home...

  

So what have we been up to in the last month? Besides getting back to work, back to daily life with the boys, doing our first postplacement visit and four doctor visits, well we're getting to know our beautiful Ava. And we have received some good news! We met with the cardiologist on Thursday and Ava's heart condition is less serious than China thought it was. While they thought it was a complete Endocardial Cushions Defect (ECD) which would mean she had two holes in her heart and one valve instead of two, she actually has a partial ECD which means she has one hole in her heart at the top (ASD) and the regular two valves (but both will need some work done). Overall, great news! It means only the one open heart surgery for her whole life and no physical limitations! The doctor said that she is doing great despite the condition and doesn't recommend surgery until the spring to get through flu season and pneumonia season. When the time comes she will spend one week at Boston Children's Hospital and will be fully recovered 6 weeks after.

Ava's adjustment...She is cuddly but also very independent. She likes to swoop in for a quick arm around your neck, or a kiss on the cheek and then she is off. If she is tired she will cuddle and fall asleep next to you on the couch. She does not like to be held against her will though and will protest loudly enough that we all give in pretty quickly. She is LOUD ;-)  She has bonded with the boys and did so within hours of meeting them. It was like she knew them already through the pictures we sent and that she knew we were all a "package deal". Deep down I think she knew this was home, that these people were family, and she was ready for it. I personally thought that due to this level of understanding adopting at this toddler age was great. Many people want to adopt younger babies to avoid possible attachment issues but this has been perfect for us.

Although she loves him and will give him affection she clearly gets annoyed with Aidan. He is 5 and wants to be with her all of the time so she gives him clear direction to leave her alone. It's good though because it is normal sibling stuff. She probably prefers the oldest boys but that is because they are in less competition for the same toys, etc. They are also hands off which she likes rather than someone always going to her to pick her up. She definitely wants contact to be on her own terms and she bonds quicker with people who respect that space. She will only come to us or the boys to ask to be picked up. She will not go to strangers and is very wary of them. It is hard to get her to even crack a smile in public or with visitors here at home. As soon as they leave or she gets in the van to come home though she is all smiles. In fact in some circumstances when she is out visiting she will get in the van and squeal, laugh and jump up and down in her seat. She is so excited after being so quiet and withdrawn in public. I wondered if this behavior is part of her learning that she will always come home with us. Perhaps she is insecure wondering if we will be leaving her there? She is learning to trust us. It makes sense that only time will prove that she will always ride home with us.

She is sleeping through the night soundly and last night at 6:30 she gave me the sign for sleep and said "night, night". I nearly fell over because the boys have never, I repeat, never, asked me to go to bed. I put her down and she giggled, put her finger in her mouth and off to sleep she went. She slept for 11 hours. Heaven! Sometimes she still cries and gives us a hard time when we put her down but I find it is when she is overtired. She does not like to sleep with us. I was perfectly ready to do that but I think toddlers have done things a certain way for so long that it is unnatural to change things now. I suppose if she had been in a foster home she would have been used to sleeping with someone. She likes to be in her crib- which originally was a toddler bed but we put the side up because we realized that she was still in a crib when we had her at the hotel. She was obviously comfortable in the crib. When I held her in the bed she was squirmy and couldn't get comfortable. 

She can't speak very well because of the cleft palate (although she "talks" incessantly) but we are learning signs with her and she is learning sleep, eat, more, all done, potty, please, thank you. It will be some time before her cleft palate surgery so these signs will be key to helping her communicate with us. She was supposed to be potty trained but in China they have the split pants and go on the pot put out on the floor whenever they want. Our toilets are a little bit intimidating for them, and she now has full pants on with a pull up so we are re-training her. 90% of the time she will go when we put her on and we can catch her before a poop (sometimes when we notice her being unnaturally quiet). But she hasn't quite caught on to tell us with the sign that she has to go so she still has accidents and the pull ups stay on. I imagine she won't be fully potty trained for another couple of months or so. Of course, then we'll have surgery issues so she may regress and it could be a year before we are out of the pull ups. No big deal.

Ava has a fantastic sense of humor and makes us laugh a lot! She goofs around, with funny faces or tickles us, or fake punches at us (daddy taught her that). When she winks back at me her whole faces scrunches up and both eyes close. So cute! She loves to get dressed to go outside. If anyone is leaving she will get her boots on and then get upset if they leave without her. Last weekend she spent a couple of hours in the garage with daddy working on his motorcycle. It was so cute to see her sitting on a stool next to him babbling away and handing him tools. Although the grease on her jacket I could have done without...

She also loves baths. I don't know what these orphanages do to train these kids but she is great at cleaning herself. If I give her a washcloth and some soap she will wash every square inch of herself. The same if I give her a dishrag for her little table. She cleans the whole thing, chairs and all. She may be a little OCD...for instance if she gets some food on her hand she whines at us until we get her a napkin to wipe it off. She's better if you give her the napkin from the beginning, she will keep her face and hands clean. Amazing! These orphanages have these kids trained. Well at least hers did. I'm sure it is different at each orphanage depending on the amount of kids they have.

Ok, so what's an update without pictures right?! Well of course I wouldn't leave you hanging...

First Meeting with Great Grammy who makes it so easy to cuddle with!

Celebrating Meme's B-Day!

Silly girl, all dressed up, no place to go!

Loves with Grammy

Fell asleep watching TV with Asa.

Fell asleep watching TV with Aidan.

First snow for Ava!

Grandma Pat has brought a rockin' cool toy that sings "I feel good". Will she like it?

It's a hit!

Woo Hoo! Thanks Grandma Pat!

Thanksgiving Day and so much to be grateful for!

All bundled up in her new clothes and actually getting to go outside! Meme is taking her for a sled ride!

Look at how quickly her hair is growing! She needs a bangs trim already!

Sporting a braid- yes I did that!

Let's go already! Enough with that camera!

Again, early in the a.m., everyone has left except for her and daddy and she is ready to go too!